Abandoned.

 

Such a negative word. Something that none of us truly want to think of but yet so many of us deal with the feeling of abandonment every single day. Some of us are afraid of talking about the word in fear of being connected with the negative side of things. What if we try to speak our truth and we end up looking like this house does to people. I cannot stress how important it becomes to be authentic with the people around you. If you start to notice that people don’t accept your truth that is OKAY, I promise you there are people out there that will.

This word began having a meaning in my life at a very young age. I always knew something was missing but I had people that seemed like they loved me all around so I never thought anything of it. I was about ten years old when my mom finally sat down and told me about my “sperm donor” my biological father who apparently never wanted to see my face. The story I got was my mom told him she as pregnant at 19 and he said get an abortion or he was done. Well, I am sitting here typing this so obviously the abortion was not the option my mother took. She had me and he never saw me, spoke to me, or offered to help. My mom did it on her own and for this she always had a chip on her shoulder when it came to me.

My mother married my step dad when I was 6. Before then I was to young to understand that this wasn’t my real dad. He was a father figure and he was the only one I knew thus far. At first everything was pretty smooth. It was hard as man to come into a relationship and start to raise a six year old girl who never knew what a father figure was.  Everyone got along well we went on camping trips and other things. Then my mother told me she as pregnant. My first sister was born. Then again two years later another sister came. This was hard on my mother because this was he last kid and she hoped for a boy. I was about fourteen at this time and looking back now this is when I started to notice the changes. My mom got closer to my friends and significant others than she was to me. She was always deeply involved in my life throughout high school as more of a friend. My mother started to have some health issues and instead of taking care of herself she turned to alcohol.

Now, this isn’t a post about how perfect I am and how everyone else in the world is evil this is just an insight on how I feel things took a turn for the worst. I made mistakes, I wasn’t the perfect kid, and I had an attitude. Now  I never got in trouble in school, I kept good grades, I played sports, I always had a job, and I went on and got a college degree. This was not good enough for anyone unfortunately. I began to make mistakes and date the wrong people, instead of trying to help me out of the hole I was digging myself my entire family turned their backs on me. Nobody spoke to me. I eventually woke up and understood what was going on and I came back. I started to rebuild the relationships with my family. However, my mother and I never mended things. She was still going through my phone, reading my letters, and going through my drawers at the age of 22. I was more in the “you give respect to get respect” mindset. She was in the “you will respect me not matter what I do, I am the mother” mindset. She continued to drink and became verbally and mentally abusive. Somehow I always ended up being the target. On new years eve it was the last straw. I just got fed up and had enough. She called my phone drunk, and at this time I was living on my own so there was no need to respect any of her rules. She insisted on talking to me so I let her talk, which didn’t turn out to be the best because she said some unforgivable things to me. Now, she of course doesn’t remember any of them but that doesn’t take the sting away. Long story short she wished me dead, talked about how I ruined her life from the moment I was born, and ended the call with a big “Fuck you!” and that was that.  If you ask her it’s my fault and that used to bother me  but now I look at the situation and understand that her actions say more about her than they do me. I am 24 now and honestly in the best part of my life physically and mentally. I have my own job, pay all of my own bills, no drugs or alcohol, and I workout pretty much everyday. I take care of myself the way I longed for someone else to my entire life.

My step dad and I never saw eye to eye. He got his two biological children and they became his world. He wasn’t the worst to me I just really didn’t have a place in the family he had built for himself.

I finally got the guts to reach out to the man that my mother always told me was my biological father just for his wife to tell me he did not know my mother and he “couldn’t make girls.” I mean I guess I don’t blame her a 23 year old women messaging you claiming to be your husbands long lost daughter… kind of a shock. She continues to follow me on social media but has never been willing to go through with a DNA test. They now live in Florida are married and have three handsome boys, so I guess in the long I probably don’t fit in there either.

Don’t worry the story gets better just had to get all the back story out first. I used to think that if I didn’t fit in with my blood relatives that I was doomed for life. However, I have made my own family. I have a small group of friends and their family’s all accept me for who I am. I have my boyfriends amazing family who loves me like I am their own. I have my work family. Most of all I have myself. The real me. Not the person who has to pretend to be any more or any less of something just to fit in with the people I share DNA with. I miss them sometimes, I wish it could be different always but I understand now the importance of healing yourself before your ready to heal others. I pray everyday for  my mothers healing. I hope one day we can have a relationship but I also am mature enough to understand that right now it is a toxic relationship and it is one that needs to be cut off for the time being. Now that’s not to say she feels the same way, I have been told by many sources that she old claims her two daughters and that’s okay too. I pray that they are happy and have joyful lives everyday. I don’t wish any harm upon them it’s just not my fit right now. Nothing is forever.

This is for anyone out here who feels like they don’t fit in with the people who are supposed to love them the most. This is for the people who feel like a failure because their parents refuse to say good job, or I love you. This is for the people who stopped expressing themselves, loving who they wanted to love, or chasing dreams because they had family members saying they couldn’t instead of being encouraging. This is for my people, the people like me I promise you that there is a family out there who is going to love and support you for exactly who you are no matter what. Who understands that nobody is perfect, everyone bumps their head eventually, love it love, and skin color is not something to miss out on amazing people for. This is for you. The you that is struggling to find your place there is one out there for you. Keep being you. The people who are your people will find you.

God is good, always.

Thank you for sharing in my journey.

Abounded doesn’t equal ugly.

Yours forever,

Kathryn